This short piece was originally written for an invitation to Roy's farewell bash. Some of you may already have seen it.

On the 4th September 1989 an airplane carrying the Australian branch of the ‘Neil from the Young Ones’ Appreciation Society, whose members comprised Neil lookalikes, Neil impersonators, and Neil wig-wearers, crash landed during a storm over the jungles of Borneo. Roy Simpson, known to his society friends as Neil Number 32, was the only known survivor, and was transported to Jakarta for medical treatment and a good feed of lentils. Upon setting eyes on Jalan Jaksa, and sampling his first tepid Bintang, Roy knew that this was the place where he wanted to spend the rest of his natural days and even longer if life longevity technology made sufficient advances to enable it (it is rumored that Roy arranged to have his cryogenically frozen head stored in a fridge in Pappa Café, and another part of him in a fridge somewhere in Blok M). And so Roy took up permanent residence at Table No. 3, Pappa Café, and set about pretending to be a journalist in order to finance his unlavish and frequently sozzled existence, to pay for treatment of the A-to-Z-and-back-again of venereal diseases that he intended to contract in cheap mosquito-ridden hotel rooms, and to purchase the single shirt that he was to wear for the next ten years (only his ‘Hello Kitty’ handphone came close to matching this shirt in terms of years of service). It didn’t take long however for the path of Roy’s writing career, after his dubious copy-editing skills almost started World War III and subsequently caused the closure, and fumigation, of Jakarta’s second-largest English language newspaper, The Daily Dose, to go down the relegation road of internet-based journalism. Nevertheless he continued to write prolifically, everywhere he could. His masterpiece is a scrawl of graffiti on a table top in Pappa Café, entitled ‘Please Help Me I Want To Go Home But I’m Too Fucked To Lift My Head’. A group of drinkers, upon reading this remarkable work of pleading, duly carried him over to Table No. 3, where he slept soundly until the alarm call of his grating tongue awakened him. CENSORED. CENSORED. CENSORED. CENSORED. CENSORED. A few weeks ago, however, following a fall while out at Tanjung Priok purchasing a container of cigarettes, three formerly dormant brain cells crackled to life in Roy’s bumped head and set off a cranial chain reaction that set him wondering if Jakarta really was the jewel in the crown of places to drink and shag your life away. He henceforth made a tough decision. He would return to his native Australia, land of kangaroos and gay festivals, and embark upon the writing of a book called ‘The Lentil-Eaters of Borneo’, based in part on accounts of a mysterious tribe of ragged, long-haired lentil-worshipping savages in the remote jungles of Borneo who have only ever been glimpsed from the air as they scatter in all directions moaning “Oh no, we’re being saved…..”

Wow Tablet. This is awesome. I'm all frizzy with pleasure.

eagerly awaiting next installment of this fascinating anthropological insight.

Thankfully Tablet managed to korekt the speling misteak.

What gives with the censorship? More references to shoeshine boys?

Don't scare the lad off Ken, he's just getting into his flow.

the third installment in the Roy Simpson trilogy is coming soon i'm assured. It apparently involves a whole host of nefarious characters past and present whose names are protected using the linear predictive speech encoding system as well as animated simulations of various episodes, tasteful and otherwise, in the life of roy, and his chums, during his golden years in jakarta.

tablet is hard at work as i write this

Any chance Tablet will resurrect his old website: Dr Roy's Cyber Clap Clinic?

Simpson and his minders in happier times

He's flinching. Never liked to be touched that boy. Frotteurage (frotteuring) was a particular no-no.

Too busy playing Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas II on my new 22" widescreen monitor to bother myself with Roy right now (See followinng screenshot)

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i'm afraid JakChat.com does not have access to daniel's hard drive ....

is there anything we can do about this ku?????

jack ryan tablet???

apart from simpson, tablet's two other best mates in the world

Shame. It's a fine picture of our favourite Australian. Wonder what I'm doing wrong?

Come on Tab baby. We demand more Simpson.

As you wish..

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Not so much 'Tom Clancey's Rainbow Six: Vegas' as 'Roy Simpson's Bintang Six-Pack: Blok M'. Basically Roy has to run around shooting open cans of Bintang to stop himself shrivelling up.

Fucking excellent tattyshop!

He's put some beef on down on the farm. Things were getting a bit scary when a stiff breeze blew through Jaksa. Tablet would only save himself from being blown away by being well anchored. Or bintang-ed rather.

Which one of the faux celebrities above was arrested and finally got the starring role on Metro TV that he so desperately craved? This is not a joke.

This photo that is.

As they say in journalism school - check your facts.